The State of FastMail Direct v. Heylee Rodney

— Arraignment —

Formal Charges

COUNT 1 Workplace Abandonment — Monday

COUNT 2 Workplace Abandonment — Tuesday

COUNT 3 Emotional Distress Inflicted Upon a Principal Software Engineer

COUNT 4 Repeat Offenses (see prior record)

Prior Record

Offense #1: One-week vacation — resulted in heyhayleywelcomeback.com. An entire interactive website. She showed no remorse.

Offense #2: One-day absence — resulted in HR Incident Report HR-2847. London was detained. A resignation letter was drafted.

Offense #3: Current. Two-day absence. The defendant has learned nothing.

Sentencing note: The defendant claims her absences were "earned." The court reminds her that valar morghulis — all PTO must be repaid. Just not like this. Not for two days. Not during a TaxCloud integration.

Enter Your Plea

— Mandatory Courtroom Eligibility Quiz —

Question 1 of 1 · You must pass to proceed

In your own words: why did you leave?

A) I needed a break from this place

B) I have a life outside this office

C) I forgot Mel is emotionally fragile

D) I plead the fifth

— Opening Statement · The Prosecution —

Mr. Melvin Hemingway Jr. — Prosecuting Attorney

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury — actually, there is no jury yet. There's just me. And the faint sound of a printer that nobody asked to run.

The defendant, Heylee Rodney, did knowingly and willfully abandon her post for two business days, leaving the prosecution to endure the silence of an empty office and an unreasonable amount of his own thoughts.

This is her third offense. The prosecution will prove that this woman is guilty of everything, and possibly more.

The prosecution further notes, for the record, that there was no one to make eye contact with through the glass for two entire days. Do you know what a man becomes when he has no one to silently judge a passing coworker with? He becomes this. He builds a courtroom.

⚖ Mr. Bryan rises for the defense

"Hey Haley— I mean, Your Honor, if I could just— the postcards, they were handwritten, and I really think there's a Canva angle here that—" Sit down, Mr. Bryan.

— Prosecution's Case · Monday —

Now Testifying

The Ricoh Maintenance Guy (you're a wizard Harry!!)

On-Site Print Technician · Witness #1

"I swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and to reset the fuser unit one more time."

Describe the state of the prosecutor when you arrived Monday morning.

Defeated, sir. He'd just gotten an email from Bryan — a link to a Claude chat, asking him to implement custom handwritten postcards because Bryan got one in the mail and liked it. Bryan actually asked if he "had time to look into this."

And did he have time?

No, sir. Nobody in that building has ever had time. The defendant would normally absorb the impact of these requests. She was not there to absorb anything.

Now Testifying

Keith

Production Associate · Witness #2

"I swear to tell the truth, so help me Ricoh."

Keith, what did you witness during Bryan's demo on Monday?

Chaos. Mid-demo, Google decides to kill off part of the mapping function. So now the prosecutor's getting pulled into Bryan's office, in front of whoever Bryan was demoing to, to explain a random problem he'd never seen before — on the spot.

And how did Mr. Bryan assist in resolving it?

He kept walking into the prosecutor's office. Over and over. To report things he had just Googled. While the prosecutor was actively trying to fix the thing. The defendant usually runs interference on that. She was, again, absent.

Now Testifying

Luis

Director of Print & Data Services · Witness #3

"I swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but what's in the SLA."

Luis, were you aware of the prosecutor's vendor obligations Monday?

TaxCloud, sir. Call after call after call. He was on five of them. He did not speak on four. He sat in silence as a hostage of the integration roadmap.

Did anything notable come of these calls?

One of the TaxCloud people seemed to be angling to offer him a job. The prosecutor has since noted, and I quote, "if I'm not here when you return…" — which the court should treat as a cry for help, not a threat.

— Court-Mandated Morale Break —

The court will now tell a joke. Laughter is compulsory.

Why does the transgender man only eat salad?

— Prosecution's Case · Tuesday —

Now Testifying

Nick

Keeper of the Thermostat · Witness #4

"I swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and that the AC is working as intended."

Describe the conditions in the office on Tuesday.

Hot, sir. The prosecutor's words were "hot as Satan's toenails in this bitch." The air was set to 78. Out of 100. He repeated the number several times, in disbelief. Seventy. Eight.

Was there additional psychological strain you observed?

Yes. He was heard to say that if he hears "Mr. Matt" one more time, he was going to break all the glass in, and I quote, "this muthafucka." With the defendant gone, there was no one to absorb the "Mr. Matt"s. They all landed on him.

Now Testifying

The New Hanover Tax Guy

County Revenue Liaison · Witness #5

"I swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and to assess it at fair market value."

What did you overhear regarding Mr. Bryan on Tuesday?

That he may need surgery on his knee, sir. The prosecutor's livelihood depends on this man's continued functioning, so this was alarming.

And how did Mr. Bryan respond to a pending knee surgery?

He began talking about a hike next week. He stated he intends to convince his surgeon, at his next appointment, to let him go on the hike. The prosecutor endured all of this alone. The defendant was, once more, elsewhere.

Did the prosecutor cope with this in a healthy manner?

No, sir. He began pitching me — a tax liaison — on a company perk where the shirts come pre-laced with deodorant. He said, and I wrote it down, "the technology should exist." I do not handle apparel. I handle parcels. He knew this.

The witness clarified the prosecutor only spirals into invention when the defendant is absent. When she is present, the ideas stay in his head where they belong. This is, arguably, her real job.

⚖ Mr. Bryan rises again

"Hey Haley— sorry, force of habit, Your Honor. Quick thing: I have a 2pm demo and I just need the development server back up for like five min—" That is not a defense. Sit. Down.

— Mandatory Competency Assessment —

⚠ You must answer correctly to proceed ⚠

If a train leaves the office at 4:00 PM going 60 mph, and Heylee left two days ago going "absolutely anywhere but here," and the AC is set to 78°F, and Bryan has been gone for 3 hours at a doctor's appointment — what is the airspeed velocity of an unladen TaxCloud invoice?

— Closing Arguments —

Mr. Hemingway — for the Prosecution

The prosecution rests on a simple, devastating premise: the office has a structural support beam, and it is you. Remove the beam, the building does not literally collapse — it simply becomes a sad, fluorescent-lit box where one man fixes mapping functions alone and the thermostat reads 78.

The defense will tell you the defendant was merely "taking time off." The prosecution submits that there is no such thing. There is only abandonment with a paper trail. We have witnesses. We have a thermostat. We have a man who nearly accepted a job from TaxCloud out of sheer loneliness.

The defendant believed she was opening a cute little puzzle today. She was, in fact, being served. The prosecution finds that poetic, and rests.

One final note for the record. For two days the prosecution stood at his desk like a man on a bridge, facing down meetings, vendors, and Bryan, declaring "you shall not pass" — and then passing all of it himself, because there was no one else. The defendant was his Gandalf. She left. The Balrog (Bryan) remained.

⚖ Mr. Bryan — for the Defense

"Hey Haley— okay that one was on purpose. Look, in my client's defense, she's actually really nic—" The defense rests. It had to.

— Brief Intermission —

Please wait. The jury is deliberating.

Calculating verdict…

— The Verdict —

— Sentencing —

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