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8:00 AM — Employee Haley Rodney is confirmed absent. The office is immediately .82% less functional and 100% less dramatic.
8:14 AM — London (office dog, see Exhibit A) begins her daily routine of barking at every dog that passes the glass front of the building. Volume: excessive. Duration: indefinite.
8:32 AM — The undersigned makes the executive decision to relocate London to the production floor. This decision was made in the interest of workplace productivity and was absolutely not petty.
8:33 AM — London is now the production floor's problem.
8:42 AM — Depression hit (Bryan arrived).
8:45 AM — Bryan comes to my door and says: "You know what I've been thinking about? The farmer in Kalamazoo who probably don't know how to use Canva or any design tool. Think about ways we can incorporate Nano Banna or ChatGPT image generation for people who don't know how to design a card."
Yep, you guessed it, long day here we come!! YAY!!! WOOO!!! HORRAY!!!! i quit
9:13 AM — Bryan Teams me for ETA on Bartlett's wood grain envelope.
9:50 AM — Another Teams message from Bryan: "Just an FYI, I have a demo of the new platform at 2pm. I know sometimes you bring down the site for work and just wanted to let you know."
HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO FINISH IF YOU KEEP DEMOING THE FUCKING DEVELOPMENT SERVER. IT'S A FUCKING DEVELOPMENT SERVER. YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENS ON A DEVELOPMENT SERVER??? DEVELOPMENT!!!!! IT'S ALMOST AS IF THAT'S THE WHOLE FUCKING POINT. THENNNNNN IF I HAVE TO PUSH THE LAUNCH DATE BACK I'M GOING TO GET A CONFUSED LOOK LIKE: "Well I thought we would be done by..." STOP RIGHT THERE, JUST LIKE I HAD TO DO EVERY FUCKING TIME YOU NEED TO DEMO.
— sorry i'm crashing out a lil bit
12:30 PM — I came back from lunch and there's no Bryan, life is good.
1:47 PM — He's back. OHHHHH I FORGOT. He was late this morning for a skin-cancer biopsy, again my paycheck relies on this man. He needs to stay the fuck outta the sun.
2:24 PM — He's finished the first demo, he's super happy again.
2:44 PM — Hay, this man comes in my office and ask me if I heard about an app called AutoPilot. To give you the short of his explanation, it's an app where you can follow "pilots" investments in the stock market. There's one for good ole Nancii Pee (yes that's what I call her). ANYWAYS, he tells me that he's giving it a try too see if he gets any upside to it. He looks me dead in my optic stems and says "I just put $3200 in there as a test and we'll see how it does". Hay... $3200??!!! 32 WITH 100 ZEROS??? FUCK KINDA TEST IS THAT?
(π-.03) PM — Bryan has left for today for another doctors apointment. Excietment. But fear.
7:38 PM UTC — Still bored. I've sent the report to Ali, added that wood grain envelope and aimlessly scrolled TikTok for an ungodly amount of time. Luckily I haven't been asked to do anything else.
4:00 PM HAH NOT REALLY I'M NOT STAYING UNTIL EXACTLY 4 — Yeahhhh I'm out also just realized you're out Monday and Tuesday next week. Fuck you (with love) pause...
What do you call a down-syndrome kid on a bike?
On the morning of today, at approximately 8:32 AM, the undersigned made the unilateral decision to relocate the office dog, London, to the production floor.
This action was taken in response to London's continued and aggressive barking at every single dog that walked past the glass front of the building. Every. Single. One.
Context: London does this every morning. She sees a dog. She barks. She sees another dog. She barks louder.
The Decision: The undersigned escorted London to the production floor, where she is now Brady's problem (where the fuck is Keith, I need my emotional support black).
Status: London remains on the production floor. She seems fine. She has found a new trash can.
| Category | Rating | Notes |
|---|---|---|
| Attendance & Reliability | 1/10 | Currently not here. That's the whole review. |
| Crossword Puzzle Speed | 9/10 | Exceptional. Unclear when actual work occurs. The New York Times should be paying her. |
| HexaSort Performance | 8/10 | Has achieved levels that should not be possible during business hours. |
| Amazon Shopping | 10/10 | There's so many fucking items in your cart. |
| Shein Browsing | 7/10 | Further example of your support for child labor. |
| Random PowerPoints | ??? | Has made presentations about topics with zero relation to work. The slides are beautiful. The relevance is nonexistent. |
| Netflix During Work | 6/10 | Doing it on the screen that's visible to Bryan is WILD, but do you boo. |
| Break Room Vaping (Lights Off) | 0/10 | Turns the break room lights OFF to vape in darkness like a dragon in a cave. I will now call you Smaug hence bring Mel gold. |
Overall: Haley is an exceptional employee whose greatest skill is appearing busy while doing absolutely none of the above.
Name: Haley Rodney
Also Known As: Hay, Haighleigh, Hayeleigh, Heighlayleigh, Haeighleigh, fucker, Hey-lee, Haileigh, Heylee, "Director of Client Services"
Last Seen: Friday. Walking out like she didn't have a whole team depending on her.
Suspected Location: Absolutely anywhere but here.
Identifying Features: Blonde hair. Probably vaping. May be rambling about similarities to Beyonce.
If Found: Tell her Mel is bored.
Dear Bryan,
I am writing to inform you of my resignation from the position of Principal Software Engineer at FastMail Direct, effective immediately.
This decision was not made lightly. It was made because Haley left for one day and I have realized that this office without her is just me, printer noises, and an office too fucking bright to take a nap in.
I want to be clear: this is entirely Haley's fault. Had she been present, I would have had someone to make eye contact with through the glass, and possibly a rocket.
Without her, I am just a man sitting in an office, tanning..., doing nothing (well... this isn't new). This is not who I want to be, Bryan.
I wish you and the team the best. Except Haighleigh.
Regards,
This incident report has been filed and will be added to the employee's permanent record.
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