WHILE YOU WERE
DEAD TO ME
MELVIN EDITION
A Dossier of Grievances
[ click anywhere to begin your reckoning ]
Before we begin...
clear the cotton balls to proceed π
clear the cotton balls to proceed π
Cotton balls remaining: 12
π GRIEVANCE #001
hay...
DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE TO HEAR THE SAME JOKE ABOUT IT BEING QUIET IN HERE 5 TIMES WITHIN THE HOUR?
UPON ENTRY..... AT THE COFFEE MACHINE.... AS WE LOCK EYES THROUGH SEVERAL PANES OF GLASS... I FORGOT THE OTHER 2 BUT IT'S BEEN 5!
it's gonna be a long week....
UPON ENTRY..... AT THE COFFEE MACHINE.... AS WE LOCK EYES THROUGH SEVERAL PANES OF GLASS... I FORGOT THE OTHER 2 BUT IT'S BEEN 5!
it's gonna be a long week....
π GRIEVANCE #002
LONDON HAS LICKED MY FUCKING SOCK!
Not a quick "oh hi" lick. A full, deliberate, wet, soaking commitment to destroying my day.
Haighleigh. I am a germaphobe. You KNOW this. My sock is now a biohazard. I have considered throwing the sock away. I have also considered throwing London away. (I won't. But I HAVE considered it.)
Haighleigh. I am a germaphobe. You KNOW this. My sock is now a biohazard. I have considered throwing the sock away. I have also considered throwing London away. (I won't. But I HAVE considered it.)
π GRIEVANCE #003
It's Just Me and Matt Now.
Everyone is gone. Everyone.
It's me. Matt. And the murmurs of a non stressed stressful man.
Matt is on his 176th Teams call of today and I'm staring into the abyss. I need to try my sign on Matt...
It's me. Matt. And the murmurs of a non stressed stressful man.
Matt is on his 176th Teams call of today and I'm staring into the abyss. I need to try my sign on Matt...
β QUICK MATH QUESTION β
You must answer correctly to proceed.
If a train leaves Chicago at 6 AM traveling at 78 mph, and another train leaves Denver at 7:30 AM traveling at 92 mph, but the second train stops for 14 minutes in Omaha, and the wind resistance coefficient is 0.0034...
What is 47 Γ 23 Γ· 1081 Γ Ο β 3.14159?
What is 47 Γ 23 Γ· 1081 Γ Ο β 3.14159?
Okay I'm not going to make you do math.
The answer was 1.
The answer was 1.
SIDE NOTE
Hear me out...
Laced deodorant shirts???
Like what if we just normalized that as a company perk? I'm just saying, the technology should exist.
Think about it.
Laced deodorant shirts???
Like what if we just normalized that as a company perk? I'm just saying, the technology should exist.
Think about it.
Oh, by the way...
I lied.
The answer was not 1.
The answer was not 1.
I don't even know what the answer was. Moving on.
β END OF MONDAY β
TUESDAY
it gets worse.
π GRIEVANCE #004
Bryan Teams me.
"Hey Melvin- can you assist Vandana with access to RSI servers? Respond to her and cc me."
Bryan. Those are not our servers. We HOST them. We don't have admin access. We have never had admin access.
"Hey Melvin- can you assist Vandana with access to RSI servers? Respond to her and cc me."
Bryan. Those are not our servers. We HOST them. We don't have admin access. We have never had admin access.
Okay I was a little mean earlier...
So here, I got you a little something.
$10 AMAZON GIFT CARD
So here, I got you a little something.
$10 AMAZON GIFT CARD
Here's you bald...
π GRIEVANCE #005
We're out of coffee creamer.
Uploading your Pamela Anderson moment...
0%
π GRIEVANCE #006
Ali sent an email to fix those fucking links. I know it is my job but I don't feel like it.
Bryan has been gone for 3 hrs now... at what point should I be concerned for my paycheck?
This day might've been a little too cruel but I'm at my height of boredom so....
β END OF TUESDAY β
WEDNESDAY
we're only halfway through.
π GRIEVANCE #007
Welp, our weekly meeting just got canceled. I'm pretty sure it's because you're not here.... you knew how desperately I need that to break up my day and you still did this to me.
I found this randomly on my phone and been waiting for a perfect chance to use this...
30
seconds remaining. you can't skip this.
π OBSERVATION #001
This man has been on EDGE all day. I have no idea what went wrong but he does not look good.
π OBSERVATION #002
NEVER MIND I JUST HEARD HIM ON THE PHONE ABOUT THE TRULY NOLEN FIASCO. I KNOW EXACTLY WHY HE'S ON EDGE.
β END OF WEDNESDAY β
THURSDAY
the final day.
Just so you don't show anyone else this, here's a list of terrible things you've said about our co-workers:
... I wouldn't do that to you. Or would I?
π GRIEVANCE #008
LUIS PROPOSED TO SETH!!
...not true, I just had nothing else
π OBSERVATION #003
However, I did break something on your desk.
π TROLLING #ftbadydl
which is also not entirely true...
For being a good sport, here's your actual reward:
DA FUCK YOU THOUGHT THIS WAS π
I actually do have a reward for youβ¦
However, you won't appreciate it as you are nowβ¦
Soβ¦
Introducingβ¦..
Haighleigh
BLACKED
and you know what all black people loveβ¦.
Miles' Lion
(regifted version)
(regifted version)
HEYHAYLEYWELCOMEBLACK!
(see what I did there?)